Jokes

I got a million of them... here are a few. And I'm always looking for more. Send me your jokes by emailing me, click here!

Joke about... "Golfing Attorneys include a Woman"

Joke about... "Pastor, Doctor and Engineer Playing Golf"

Joke about... "A Camel in the African Desert"

Joke about... "Nookie Green Confession"

A Gorilla Story!

"Great Truths" even Golfers can understand!

It was fun being a baby boomer...till now. Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

A little humor for those of us who have or are working in Florida...

Some things you never get tired of hearing all about...

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.  If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

A Little Texas Humor (Just a Little - Mind You)

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University Of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." You gotta love those Texas women.

A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Texas was overheard saying .. "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Texas." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Texas because everything happens in Texas 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

The young man from Texas came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

NEWS FLASH! - Texas' worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Texas students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

An Texas State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-35. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?

A man in Texas had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."

Picking Fruit

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast

In case you haven't seen this yet, here's a quote from an email that floated through here today. It's from a Government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an anti-war protester in a Metro station in DC: "... there were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.

I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind
me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
 

Golfer and Caddy Talk 

Golfer: "I'm going to drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
 
Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy:
"Try Heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
 
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, sir. You miss the ball much closer now."
 
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with my 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
 
Golfer: "You distract me when you check your watch like that."
Caddy: "It's not a watch; it's a compass."
 
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Oh, it's okay, but personally, I prefer golf."
 
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "Sir, the way you play is a sin any day."
 
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played."
Caddy: "This isn't the course; we left that long ago."
 
Golfer: "That can't be my ball; it's too old."
Caddy: "Well, sir, remember: it's been quite some time since you teed off!"
 
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "Oh, I doubt that, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

Chapter 1:
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc, Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee. (my favorite)

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

10. Musical recliners.

Chapter 2:
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze. (another favorite)

Chapter 3:
SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment You on your new alligator shoe and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.


 


A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work! The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes toa big "everything under one roof" department storelooking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a
salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through
it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says,
"One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale
for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says,
"$101,237.64? What the did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I
sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he
came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go
fishing.'"

 

 

DENNIS E. SHIRLEY
3601 SAGE BRUSH TRAIL
PLANO, TEXAS 75023

888-929-0199
Fax:972-599-0712