Jokes
I got a million of them... here are a few.
And I'm always looking for more. Send me your jokes by
emailing me, click
here!
Joke about... "Golfing
Attorneys include a Woman"
Joke about...
"Pastor,
Doctor and Engineer Playing Golf"
Joke about... "A
Camel in the African Desert"
Joke about... "Nookie
Green Confession"
A Gorilla Story!
"Great Truths" even Golfers
can understand!
It was fun being a baby
boomer...till now. Some of the artists of the 60s are
revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging
baby boomers. They
include:
A little humor for those
of us who have or are working in Florida...
Some things you
never get tired of hearing all about...
You know you're from
California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are
visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a
house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying
on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a
nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and
a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your
coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference
between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to
tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else
in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks
wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like
George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house
payment.
13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on
every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the
children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave
for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related
accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's
license. If you're here illegally, they want to give
you one.
A
Little Texas Humor (Just a Little - Mind You)
The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for
some mathematical help. He called her into his office and
said, "You graduated from the University Of Texas and I need
some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how
much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment,
then replied, "Everything but my earrings." You gotta love
those Texas women.
A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in
twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned
alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of
some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the
successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there
and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call,"
nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!"
Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Texas was overheard
saying .. "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in
Texas." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Texas
because everything happens in Texas 20 years later than in
the rest of the civilized world.
The young man from Texas came running into the store and
said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup
truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who
it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got
the license number."
NEWS FLASH! - Texas' worst air disaster occurred when a
small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University
of Texas students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.
Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far
and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the
evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in
the recovery efforts.
An Texas State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-35. The
trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?
A man in Texas had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of
the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front
of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to
wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow
what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man
responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares
in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand
it neither."
Picking Fruit
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice;
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and
grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up
for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer
decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for
a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he
saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned,
"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding
the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast
In
case you haven't seen this yet, here's a quote from an email
that floated through here today. It's from a Government
employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an
elderly woman and an anti-war protester in a Metro station
in DC: "... there were protesters on the train platform
handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.
I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was
behind
me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female
protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
declined. The young protester put her hand on the old
woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very
soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children
of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey,
my first husband died in France during World War II so you
could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your
country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella
up your ass and open it."
Golfer and Caddy Talk
Golfer: "I'm
going to drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on
this course."
Caddy:
"Try Heaven, you've already moved most of the
earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, sir. You miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with my 5
iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You distract me when you check your watch
like that."
Caddy: "It's not a watch; it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy:
"Oh, it's okay, but personally, I prefer
golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "Sir, the way you play is a sin any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played."
Caddy: "This isn't the course; we left that long
ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball; it's too old."
Caddy: "Well, sir, remember: it's been quite some
time since you teed off!"
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the
world."
Caddy: "Oh, I doubt that, sir. That would be too much
of a coincidence
Golfer:
"Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Chapter 1:
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc, Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee. (my favorite)
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.
Chapter 2:
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove,
he is using
you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just
saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on
them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate
Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze. (another
favorite)
Chapter 3:
SIGNS OF WEAR
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and
make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment You on your new
alligator shoe and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out
of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the
doctor instead of by the police.
